01242012:1018PM
Yesterday things sort of all clicked. I was on the spinning bike peddling to Academy Is. Peddling as fast as I could. But, I made sure I did not loose focus. When I am spinning, I feel like a machine. I felt at peace with my body. Trying to keep unison with all muscle groups to keep focus on not falling off the bike while peddling my ass off in position 2 (the standing position). I thought to myself, "Why have I not been working out sooner?".
Truth is: Fashion and tumblr scared the weight off of me. Before nutrition and fitness I was obsessed with fashion. I am a fashion major after all. What would one expect out of me? But, I was 145 pounds at 5'1. Fat was hanging off from unwanted areas. I remember trying to wear body con dress but because of my obnoxious love handles the dress would just look bumpy instead of smooth. I understand there is a quick fix to this and that would be Spanx! I was in the fitting room of Khols with my boyfriend's mother that was handing me spanx after spanx of all different kinds to try on. Yeah, it took away the issue, but I looked in the mirror and told myself "I should not use nylon to cover my insecure parts. If I am going to wear a body con dress, I am going to have no bumps without spanx. I felt that spanx was just an excuse to not realize the issue at hand. It was a cover up. Therefore, I returned all the spanx at their specific places and told my boyfriends mother that "I don't need them. It's just a sign that I should loose the weight".
That was the first step to realization. It's just crazy to look at me now from what I was. From what my eating habits were. When I am at my grandmother's house there is a gas station down the street. Grandma eats horrible so there would always be junk food in the house. I would chow down a whole bag of munchies and actually leave the bag right by my bed. In the middle of the night, I would get up and just eat the rest of the munches and actually eat while being half-asleep. Oh, all the things I did wrong.
Looking back at my journey, and looking back of what I gave up was totally worth it for the place I am in now. Yes, I understand that this sort of mind frame can easily turn into a sick mind frame. But, I won't let it. I have always loved my body. Even when I was a bit heavier. I never hated it. I never hated how I looked. I accepted my body in all shapes, because my body is not what matters. What matter's is who I am and my face. My body is just materialistic and is becoming what it is because I want to look good in a bikini (which was the original reason- now I am doing this more for my health). As a fashion major, I rely heavily on visual. All our bodies are a peace of art that we reflect to the world. Why walk around in hate for ourselves when we have the control to change everything? This journey has made me learn that: there is NO reason to hate yourself or complain about a certain part of your body. After all, you have all control of your body. If you hate something about your own body or your life then change it. If you do not take action to change your life then you have no reason to complain. Changing your life is the easiest thing. There is no limit.
Everything comes back to full circle and brings me back to last night spinning class. This is me now. I have a long way to go still as this is now my new life. Keeping my body in shape. It's the only body I have. I figure spend the 30$ in a gym membership now than thousands of dollars of medical bills later on.
This is all hard work. But, this is all worth it. This is a step to happiness. That's all that matters.
xo,k.
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